- By Prossy Nandudu
Consumption of poorly processed peanut butter can cause Cancer of the Liver, according to a research by Makerere University, in partnership with the University of Georgia.
Dr. A. Achilleo Kaaya, the lead researcher from the faculty of Food Science and Technology, said most of the groundnuts are contaminated during the harvest and storage process.
- Read More: http://www.newvision.co.ug/news/629214-poorly-processed-peanut-butter-causes-cancer.html
|Tuesday, 27th September, 2011||
Women are resorting to sex-selective abortion to get rid of babies of the gender they already have, writes Viqué-Ocean Kahinju
After a spectacular wedding, she settled to have children. Her firstborn was a girl. She and her husband were enthralled to welcome their bundle of joy. Then came the second and third-borns and they were all girls and her life began taking a new twist.
“She has no place here if she does not give us a son!” Such were the statements piled on her back by her mother in-law.
The same words are often hurled at women by their husbands and in-laws for not giving birth to boys, especially.
And the desperate search for a child of the missing sex begins.
Trying to choose the sex of one’s baby is an age-old practice. But old customs were centered on the woman because it was assumed they determined the sex of the baby, which is not true scientifically.
And arguably, preference of a boy child over girls is as old as time in many societies. Culture dictates that when a girl gets married, she leaves her home and becomes part of her husband’s family. Therefore, they would rather have a son to uphold the family’s name, even look after the parents in their old age.
“This challenging consequence apparently triggers selective abortion among the women,” Lambert Mugasa, a sociologist says.
Although girls are a symbol for wealth in terms of bride price, lack of sons drives many men nuts.
Sex-selective abortion is a medical attempt to terminate pregnancies of babies of the undesired sex. And as the name suggests, this practice can be done both pre and post–implantation of an embryo, he clarifies.
“Although sex-selective abortion is an undercover practice marketed as family balancing, it is illegal in Uganda. But in most developed countries the act is not as abominable,” says Kamba.
Dr. Kamba says he has met a significant number of women, who have carried out sex-selective abortion out of desperation instigated by pressure from both their in-laws and spouses, he adds.
Others confess, because of competition from their co-wives, who have children of both genders, they have no choice, but to abort until they get a son.
Dr. Kamba says 80% of the women he has interacted with who aborted said they were willing to do whatever it took to have a son lest their marriages crumbled.
However, Dr. Sam Sserunkuuma, a gynaecologist and obstetrician at Cadam Medical Centre in Kampala, cautions that abortion carried out for reasons other than medical ones to either save the pregnant woman or for other underlying medical factors is still illegal in Uganda.
“A woman can only undergo abortion because the fetus developed in a wrong place, say the fallopian tubes. Otherwise abortion is dangerous to a woman,” expounds Sserunkuuma.
Other forms of sex selection
In vitro fertilisation (IVF): can also be used to fertilise the egg and get desired pregnancy results. An unfertilised egg will be removed from the woman, fertilised in a petri dish and then brought to eight cell stage at which point cells are removed.
Using this method, you can raise the odds of having a baby of the gender of your choice to over 94%, says Dr. Tamale Ssali, an obstetrician /gynaecologist at Bukoto Fertility Centre in Kampala.
An IVF procedure costs about sh5m to sh7m just for the first trial.
However, not many couples can afford this or their desired results in the first cycle of IVF has not succeeded. What happens? These people end up trying other forms of sex selection such as sex-selective abortion, which are dangerous to their health, says Sali.
Who determines a baby’s sex?
If Y travels faster than X and fertilises the egg, male embryos are made and if it is the X chromosome, it will be a female embryo. A boy has XY and girl XX chromosomes.
“It is estimated that over 200 million sperm, which are a mixture of X and Y, are ejaculated into the vagina during sexual intercourse and yet only one can penetrate the ovum,” says Dr. Xavier Ruhinda, an gynaecologist in Kampala.
“There is no way for a woman to control which specific sperm meets the egg first,” he adds.
Dangers of sex-selective abortion
However, although the majority of complications take time to develop, they can be severe for days, months or even years, says Dr. Tamale Ssali, an Obstetrician at Bukoto Fertility Centre in Kampala. He gives the complications that come with abortion:
1 Abortion increases the risk of ectopic pregnancies, which are life-threatening and may result in reduced fertility.
2 Abortion is linked to more maternal deaths than childbirth. This is because women who have had abortions face increase their risk of getting cervical cancer.
3 Abortion has a bearing on the victim’s outlook to life. Because usually women abort out of desperation, which could result into personality disorders, such as post-birth neglect and abandonment of children, promiscuity, eating disorders, alcoholism and drugs. Medically, this is itself a reaction to post-abortion trauma or loss of self-esteem.
4. When a mother fails to have children of both sexes, she is bound to feel hopeless. This hopelessness in a mother can cause despondency in her children too. They may feel unwanted. And if they learn their mother is unhappy about giving birth to only boys or girls, they may feel regrets as to why they were born, explains Dr. Chris Rukundo a psychotherapist.
|Monday, 9th May, 2011||
By Gilbert Kidimu
WE all want a healthy baby. There is no question about that. But sometimes we want one sex more than we want the other. In our partriachal society, a male baby is more sought after, especially if a couple already has girls.
A couple in search of a baby boy will pull all stops to achieve that feat. The man will be searching for an heir and the woman wants to be the one to provide him with one lest he goes looking elsewhere.
One such woman is Nankya (not real name). She had eight girls before the ninth turned out to be a boy. She stayed at the hospital for a week so that everyone would come and see her basking in the pride of having got an heir for her husband. Before that, she would ask to be discharged immediately because she did not want to endure the looks on her in-laws’ faces when she announced that it was yet another baby girl.
You have probably seen a number of women like her, desperately searching for a baby boy. And culture has the greatest stake in this one. Since time immemorial, boys have been the preferred sex in traditional Africa.
“Boys carry on the family lineage and name while girls are married off, dropping their maiden names for their husbands’ names,” says Catherine Byenkya, the minister of Gender and Health in Bunyoro Kingdom.
“The man passes on his property to his sons because girls are expected to leave their parents’ home, get married and become a part of another family for life,” she says. “Although perceptions are changing; couples still prefer having at least one boy in the family,” she says.
But while some women labour on looking for only one baby boy after two or three girls; Tina Kakooza who had already had a boy as her first born, followed with three girls hoping she would have a second boy. But all was in vain.
In spite of the doctor’s advice to stop having more children because of possible health complications; she took a leap of faith and had a fifth child, who turned out to be a boy.
“It was a brave thing to do but it was worth it,” says Kakooza
Norah Habasa initially had two children in mind although she is now a mother of four girls. “I tried so hard to get a son but after four children who were all born through C-section, I threw in the towel,” says Habasa adding that she has made peace with it and loves her daughters unconditionally.
But moving away from the status quo is David Luyimbazi, who did not mind having two girls and stopping at that.
“My wife and I decided to stop at two children because parenting is both demanding and expensive,” says Luyimbazi
Contrary to popular belief that girls cannot be heiresses, Ester Atugonza became the heiress to her father’s property in spite of being born among three brothers.
“One of my brothers moved to the UK 23 years ago and became a citizen. The other two are considered inept owing to their fondness with alcohol,” says Atugonza.
This left her as the potential heir, seeing that she had always been an A student in school and was exceptionally successful as an adult.
“My Father surprised all of us when he left with me in the will as heir,’ reveals Atugonza who is married.
The experts say
“Having too many births can cause health problems for women in the long run but they can only feel the effects when they get older,” says Mulangira adding that it can cause weakening of the woman’s bladder, bones and uterus walls.
“Having more than five children increases one’s risk of dying during childbirth,” reveals Mulangira.
Catherine Mwiine, a sociologist says our cultural governance still counts.
“We are not yet individualistic, we are still in extended families, and care about what people say and think about us,” she says adding that from the cultural point of view, which still is very much a part of us, the boy is the continuity factor in the family
Mwiine says a girl being the heiress depends on the qualities one wants in an heir.
“In most cases, an heir should be the most responsible child, with attributes of good leadership, able to take care of the family and property,” she adds. It is no longer even the oldest boy who becomes the heir but the child who proves most capable, even if it is a girl, argues Mwiine.
She says having many children will bite deep into the couple’s finances and they are bound to spend their whole lives paying school fees.
I went to school with Kim but our ways parted at some point. I took a job with the civil service while Kim got a scholarship to study abroad. The whole village was abuzz with excitement about this development and it wasn’t hard to raise money for his air ticket and upkeep abroad.
But our collective expectations of Kim diminished with each visit he would make over the years.
Not that his English, with a heavy accent, is any easier to decipher at times.
During his last visit, nobody could drink beer in peace in local pubs owing to his condescending lectures on our lack of civil rights and good governance. Never mind that he was dreadlocked, as if in some sort of protest, and wore a pendant around his neck. He talked down to us and often said that Africans have a fundamental flaw in the way we see and do things.
Kim did not spare some of our elected leaders and would reserve some choice expletives for them whenever their faces appeared on television screens.
He would spitefully preface everything from the moles wreaking havoc in his mother’s shamba to our notorious traffic jams with: “You know this can’t happen in America, man.”
Village of birth
Another bloke from a God-forsaken village in Nyahururu lives abroad. He has been in his adopted country for so long that he now sees hoodlums behind every bush when he vacations here. Some accounts have it that whenever he visits, which is rarely, he cannot venture into his village of birth but opts to stay in a hotel in town. His people troop in matatus and pick-up trucks to see him at this hotel, in scenes reminiscent of the deputation from Ilmorog that goes to the city in search of their elusive MP in Ngugi wa Thiongo’s’ book Petals of Blood.
Welcome to the antics of some Diaspora returnees that horrify and amuse at the same time. They frequently choose an occasion, like Christmas day, to update their local kin on the results of some municipal elections in nondescript boroughs of Australia or on the latest in a dog show in Cardiff.
Often, all their estimates of distance are not based, say, on the mileage from Nairobi to Mombasa, but on the distance from New Jersey to Washington. And all their monetary calculations are based on the dollar or the euro. “How much do I pay in American dollars?” they may ask puzzled pump attendants and taxi drivers.
From their boisterous rowdiness when they congregate, to the effected mzungu mannerisms and â€˜tweng’ that they bring home, some Diaspora returnees are often a study in character transformation.
Significantly, those from the Indian subcontinent and other oriental countries have no accent whatsoever. They speak perfectly in their mother tongues after all the years they have been away.
Justin Mungai, a hotelier, can tell a Diaspora returnee from a distance. “They will often split hairs over the calories content of some foods and demand rare things like herbal tea,” he says.
Mungai remembers the bizarre case of a Diaspora returnee and his foreign wife who often stayed at his hotel. “This chap had the guts to bring his people to greet her, along with his local wife, whom he introduced as a domestic help who was taking care of his house in his absence,” Mungai recalls.
His people would discreetly book the local wife in a room in the same hotel and the chap would look for time to make up with her behind the mzungu’s back! The game continued for several years whenever the couple visited.
But one day, the mzungu wife read the two’s body language well and laid a trap. She caught the guy red handed with his black wife and created a scene. She broke up the relationship and flew away, Mungai says.
Allan Ndurya, a school teacher in Thika, had to cut short his high school studies 20 years ago so his younger brother could go abroad. “My brother now lives abroad but when he comes home, I always notice something more bizarre than during his previous visit,” says Ndurya.
For example, during his brother’s last visit, the younger man did not shake hands anyhow. “Perhaps he thought that Kenya was infested with disease,” says Ndurya.
He accuses his younger brother of splashing money and big festivals on his few local friends instead of close kin regardless of the problems that could be at their home. “Over the last few years, he has been alleging that there is too much insecurity around and will not sleep in our home in Thika,” says Ndurya.
“When he visits, he now stays in five star hotels in Nairobi or rents a Sh100,000 a month apartment in some posh city estate till his time is up.”
But at least Ndurya and other family members are spared the agony of going to Nairobi to see him. “At least he hires the latest 4WD model, packs it full of bottled water for his use and ventures into shags before returning back to Nairobi in the evening,” says Ndurya.
Tamara, a Nairobi based secretary, thinks that some Diaspora returnees have a comical sense of dressing. “They often wear oversize clothes, T-shirts or gowns with shocking colour combinations. This is especially the case with the women,” she says.
Tamara has noted that the men often pierce their ears and walk in a funny style.
She knows of a guy from Nairobi who went abroad for only two years but came back having forgotten Kiswahili and his vernacular. “This man could not even use matatus anymore on account of their road safety record and would hire taxis to all his destinations,” says Tamara. But on the other hand, Tamara observes, many Diaspora men know how to treat women nicely. “They usually open the car doors for women, do the cooking and such things which our men never do,” she says.
But Susan Wangui, a university student, considers many Diaspora returnees obnoxious. “My cousin lives in Europe where she is married to a mzungu”, she says. On their first trip here as a couple, all of Wangui’s people were excited and prepared for their homecoming for months. “The big day came and the couple drove into our ancestral home. As the church women ululated and sang songs, my cousin and her mzungu came out of their hired car and the first thing they did was to embrace and kiss each other in front of all the villagers and invited guests,” says Wangui. Embarrassed, everybody pretended not to notice this.
Wangui says that the mzungu man’s attire, or lack of it, could not possibly be wished away and the congregation soon started discussing him. “He was in a T-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts and his robust body hair showed all over,” says Wangui.
During the homecoming ceremony, the mzungu would hug and kiss his bride so often the people could no longer hide their shock and embarrassment. “It was a fiasco and I blame my cousin squarely for not controlling that man,” says Wangui.
Harris Weru, an Eldoret based social worker, says that there is a strong relationship between the education level of Diaspora returnees and their behaviour when back home. “Of course when an average area boy or girl gets a visa to live and work abroad, this is big news. He or she will behave like a small god upon coming back,” says Weru.
“Such people are often in the mould of the local youths who make a windfall in some seasonal job in our urban centres and go home in flashy cars and other bling objects and to heroes’ welcome,” says Weru.
He adds that as a nation, we are slowly redefining a successful family to include one in which a son or a daughter has made it to a foreign capital.
“Reeling off the names of close kin who live abroad is the hottest status symbol and, consequently, we are putting up with many of these returnees’ nonsense,” says Weru.
Yet he has seen people with awesome academic credentials who have lived abroad for years coming back quietly. “They are often a study in humility,” says Weru.
Even during night he is the same person who would get the best sleep, as he is least bothered about a thief entering into his house to steal some valuables. Now take the opposite case. You have sizeable money in your pocket and you had to travel to a distant place.
What kind of feelings do you get? A feeling of relief or burden. I am sure most of us would tick â€˜burden’. Going further, on a particular day if for any reason you had to store more money in your house than usual, do you get normal sleep like any other day or the mere presence of money in your house disturbs your peace of mind and ultimately the sleep.
If one takes the above two situations on their face value, then one can instantly draw a conclusion that â€˜’Money is invariably a burden”. If we take money as a burden then the moot question remains, as to why human being is so much mad about money.
Currently, money has become such a dominating force in our life that we can’t afford to ignore it. If we can’t afford to ignore the money in our life, then for sure money must be having some virtues which can lessen our burden rather than increasing it.
This is where the confusion enters. On one side I am advocating that the mere presence of money in our purse or house can add to burden/worry, while on other hand I am referring to some unknown virtues of money which can reduce burden/ worry and make our life easy.
Therefore let us study some notable virtues of money as follows: (a) medium of exchange, (b) widely accepted, (c) convenience – makes life easy, (d) relatively scarce – that is how we run behind it, (e) easy to store, (f) relatively imperishable, and lastly (g) easily divisible.
So if one can use these virtues of money positively which again must be morally and ethically correct, then I can assure you that money will never be a burden or a cause for worry. Money can be anything we declare it to be – a tool in your hands, power in your pocket, and a ticket to freedom, take your pick- it is what you make of it.
If you make it into â€˜the root of all evil’ (which we do by projecting), you’ll look for evil everywhere you think money is. Yes, there are a lot of people out there who are willing to do bad things for money – the question we’re concerned here is what does having this perspective do to you?
Choosing a good relationship to your money is important because your relationship to a thing determines how you experience it. If you think about it, in this sense perception is everything.
Your reality is actually the sum of your perception, which means that when any of us talk about money, what we’re really talking about is our experience of it? Is money actually dirty/clean/wonderful/powerful/honourable/ wicked?
No, that’s a quality of your experience of it, not the quality of money itself. Money is just a thing, inanimate. So if you think of money as a burden, it will become a burden to you, even if you manage to become wealthy.
You’ll end up working hard to keep it, rather than finding ways for it to maintain itself and grow by itself, because if you â€˜know’ that it is a burden, you won’t look for ways for your money to be easy.
In your mindset, having your money be a burden will be â€˜normal’, and you will eventually get tired of this. If you really believe that your money is a burden, you’ll find ways to get rid of it, when really it’s not the money that’s the burden, it’s your belief that money is heavy that is the cause of the burden.
Money isn’t the cause or the solution; it’s the product of your inner game. Your beliefs are what create your perspective. It’s your belief, not your net worth that is in control here. Recently I read somewhere that – If you got out of bed this morning and went to work because you wanted to, you are in control of money.
On the other hand, if you got out of bed this morning because you had to, money is in control of you. Obviously, money doesn’t have to be a burden – if your money works for you, it can lighten your burdens.
If you invest and create passive income streams, your money can create ease and
abundance in your life. If you believe that it can be a tool to accomplish what you want, you will find ways for it to do that – if you do not, you won’t.
Again, this myth is a powerful and self-fulfilling thing. There are many people in this world, who despite having lots of money, land up in jail for rest of their life, while on other hand there
are numerous human beings who live a quite satisfying and self-fulfilling life within the limited means they have.
The basic difference between these two groups is where the one is mad about money which turns into a burden, while the other category uses money as a means to fulfil their day-to-day needs and not wants.
Now I leave upon you to decide, whether you want to treat your money as a burden or a means to lessen your burdens in life – the choice is yours!!!!
Jagjit Singh Technical Adviser
Unit Trust of Tanzania
By Felista WangariPosted Friday, February 18 2011
- Should you be dismissed as being nosy when you scroll your partners phone and find incriminating information or do you have a right to know?
Is it possible for a seemingly good and stable relationship to head to the rocks with just a few taps on a mobile phone’s keypad? Apparently yes.
We cannot imagine our lives without mobile phones, yet they are the same gadgets that are stirring quite a number of conflicts in relationships today.
Two weeks ago a woman shared her story, with the Saturday Magazine, of how after snooping on her husband’s phone, she found what she called “near pornographic texts”.
Her marriage appeared fine until she started scouring her man’s phone for evidence. She found intimate exchanges between him and his supposed lover that shattered her rosy outlook of her marriage.
Some of the responses to the story from our readers suggested that the woman should not have gone sniffing around for trouble on her husband’s phone. That it was all her fault that her marriage was now suffering.
Some even told her “What you know doesn’t hurt you’ as they castigated her for snooping. But in reality, there are many more of her kind, who are willing to ignore the rules of netiquette in their pursuit for incriminating evidence.
A study by three universities in the UK last year found that one out of five spouses snoop on their partners’ emails and text messages. The survey also found that women were more likely than men to snoop.
The snooping takes the form of checking someone’s emails, text messages, posts on social media websites, and browser history; installing monitoring software on a partner’s phone, or even posing as someone else to contact a partner.
Up to no good
Many people begin snooping on their partners when they suspect that the partner is up to no good, and want evidence to confirm their fears. It could be that your partner is never comfortable answering calls in your presence, or that his or her call register and inbox are always empty when you check.
Perhaps he has a security code on his phone, or you just want to find out who your partner is constantly sending text messages or emailing during the wee hours of the night. Such signs can send the message that your man or woman has something to hide.
Sometimes there is nothing to worry about, but there may be times when you get the nagging feeling that there is something you need to know, something fishy going on, and that the evidence is on his phone or laptop. Or maybe you just want to reassure yourself that everything is fine and going through his phone will reaffirm that you are the only woman in his life.
However, there are those who find the damning evidence they were looking for and go on to confront their partners.
Mercy, a sales representative, has been caught up in the SMS web before. The first time her boyfriend found flirtatious messages, he confronted her about it, but her defense calmed him down for a while.
“In sales, you have to give your contact information to your clients and the down side is that some of my male clients continuously send flirtatious messages or even send sexts (suggestive or sexually explicit text messages). We fight about text messages all the time and even though I explain the situation to him, he does not get it. Just because someone sent you a raunchy SMS does not mean there is anything going on between you,” Mercy sighs with frustration.
Mercy now thinks that her boyfriend of three years installed monitoring software on her phone.
“He confronts me even about messages that I deleted immediately after reading. He tells me who sent the message, the exact time the message was sent and the content. How else can one tell you such details unless they have you on surveillance?” Mercy asks.
Mercy’s suspicions are not far-fetched. A new mobile phone spying software was introduced into the Kenyan market last year. The software that goes by the name Juju works like black magic and promises to help you catch your cheating spouse without being detected.
Once installed, it taps into the â€˜suspect’s’ phone and forwards all text messages and calls directly to your phone. You can even listen in on all calls and find out who your partner is talking to and what they are talking about.
However, George Njoroge the Managing Director of Juju Limited realises that fire can only be fought with fire, and his company offers counter-surveillance software for those who have something to hide.
Dubbed SMS private bag, this software directs all your messages to a private folder, which only you have access to. The snooping girlfriend or husband will never get to read any suspicious messages as they are deleted from your inbox and re-directed to the private folder.
But 35-year-old electrician, Ben, finds the idea of installing spy ware on his wife’s phone rather ridiculous.
“What kind of marriage is that where you now turn into a detective against the very person you are supposed to truest most?” He muses.
Ben swears that for the 10 years he has been married, he has never had reason to monitor his wife’s calls or text messages. He insists that if you cannot trust your spouse and have to keep watching her and poring over her bag looking for incriminating evidence, then you have no business being married to her.
Ben says that he leaves his phone lying around and has no problem when his wife answers calls on his phone even though female clients call him sometimes after working hours.
He narrates how one of his clients once called and played a prank on his wife, asking her who she was in that house, as if to suggest that the caller was the other woman in Ben’s life. But at the end of the call, the female client clarified that she was just testing Ben’s wife to see her reaction.
“My wife later told me about that incident and we laughed about it,” Ben remembers.
Ben believes that if someone is straying, you do not have to snoop around to find this out because the truth will reveal itself with time.
“But even if you find something fishy, do not be quick to accuse your partner. First investigate and be sure of the facts and when you confront her with the information, her reaction will tell you subtly whether you are overreacting or whether you are on to something,” he adds.
Finding a string of texts between your wife and another man would likely make any man angry and bitter especially if the man on the other end is your wife’s ex-boyfriend.
Mwangi, a programme assistant with a local non-governmental organisation, had to deal with suspicious messages he found accidentally on his wife’s phone. Mwangi, 26, married last year and even before they had settled into marriage, his wife’s ex started sending her flirtatious messages.
“My wife and I share phones and I found the messages when I was using her phone to send a text,” he says.
Before he mustered the courage to bring the issue up, his wife raised the subject, herself, showed him the messages and they resolved the issue together.
But Mwangi did not let go so easily. He called the man to tell him off, but all he got were insults. However, the man stopped sending the offensive messages. Mwangi says that because his wife was open about the messages, the issue did not result in conflict and mistrust.
“There should be no secrets in marriage, you just have to discuss such things openly if you want to avoid issues of mistrust,” Mwangi advises.
Many of those who confessed to snooping agree that before they started fishing around in their partner’s phones, their relationships appeared somewhat healthy, but nosing around changed all that.
Relationship therapists warn that it is not the phones that are causing the problem, but rather people start snooping because there is something going wrong with the relationship.
Naomi James, a marriage therapist at Oasis Africa Counselling Institute, concurs that for a significant number of couples who seek marriage therapy, the conflict arose from mobile phone communication disputes.
One partner or the other peeks into the phone and finds what he or she thinks is a damning message or call and that sets the stage for frequent fights and mistrust. Yet phones are not the real culprits in the breakdown of relationships.
“If you have to sneak around your partner looking for tell tale signs and messages, then there is an issue of mistrust in your relationship already,” Naomi says.
The marriage therapist says that only being open with each other and rebuilding trust can save such a relationship.
But she cautions that there is a possibility that the other party’s fears may not be unfounded.
“If you are in constant communication with another person of the opposite sex, you need to be alert and conscious. A casual friendship can develop into something deeper with frequent communication and spending too much time together alone,” she warns.
|Monday, 31st January, 2011||
By Gilbert Kidimu
EVELYN and husband, Mathew shared some of the most spectacular moments throughout their dating period. They relished each other’s company more than anything else life offered; they did everything from boat cruises in Zanzibar to taking hikes and spending weekends in country cottages. Two-and-half years later, the lovebirds decided to make the thriving romance official.
Three weeks into their marriage, dizzy spells, constant spitting, restless nights, and a bad temperament befell Evelyn. Overnight, the bubbly damsel had turned into someone Mathew hardly recognised. She was pregnant and the mood swings had creeped in.
“We had only been married 23 days,” recollects Evelyn. “This was not supposed to happen so soon. I was sick and tired all the time, not to mention the crazy, jealous woman I turned into. Sex life had already started lacking and soon it would suck if not become non-existent,” she says.
All of a sudden, they had to budget and plan for antenatal care, read baby books and magazines, shop for diapers, among other parent-to-be tasks.
“Everything was happening so fast. We had considered having children but this happened too soon. It was an enormous drift considering that a few months back, we were going out on dates, hanging out till late, taking short vacations, but now that had come to an end,” narrates Evelyn.
It has always been an issue of contention; to conceive immediately or wait until you get a good feel of the newlywed excitement, build each other’s career, save, and then have a child. Unplanned pregnancy in a new marriage can be tough to handle. While for some, it is pure bliss, others are not happy about the baby news.
She says family planning is essential to the wellbeing of families. “It means that families will have the knowledge and access to opportunities to plan and space their children in order to achieve personal goals, independence and to prevent costly and social inconveniences associated with unintended pregnancy,” says Nankya.
“It’s a little overwhelming to get pregnant so quickly, especially when your clock is not ticking,” she argues. “A healthy marriage includes family planning counselling to help couples avoid unintended pregnancy.”
However, Cathy Mwine, a sociologist from Uganda Christian University, Mukono, thinks immediate conception is not a problem. “The actual drive behind a man and woman getting together is an instinct for procreation and this instinct actually suppresses the need to first enjoy each other’s company,” she reveals.
“It is up to the man to learn to deal with the issue since even after many years of marriage, the pregnancy period can be hard, especially for the man to deal with,” Mwine adds.
Mwine says if a couple have an unplanned pregnancy at the beginning of their marriage, they should seek counselling so that there is a balance between taking care of the pregnancy and bonding as a couple.
“Sometimes the woman completely forgets the man and focuses on her coming child,” Mwine says. “Since women usually lose their desire for sex, men should treat their wives delicately as pregnancy can be exhausting. You should put her in the mood, create an environment to continue the excitement.”
“The truth of the matter is that children are God’s special gift. Whether or not you have an unplanned pregnancy in your marriage, it still doesn’t make any difference,” advises Mwine.
By Bob G. Kisiki
IT was primary school where some ruthless teachers would, after beating pupils, insist the victims of the heavy beatings say â€˜Thank you sir/madam for beating me’. This was on the premise that the beating was meant as a manifestation of the teacher’s care for the pupil.
Later, in A-level, I met Shakespeare’s masterpiece, Othello, where the title character, the tragic-hero Othello, kills his gorgeous wife Desdemona, I hear because he loved her.
This reminds me of something I read somewhere that they love too much who die for love. Now what shall we say about those who kill for love? And I am writing to ask: Can you intentionally hurt the woman you love?
I was discussing infidelity with a female friend, and she insisted that if her spouse cheated on her, she would determine whether to drop him or not, depending on whether he loved her or not. I asked her what further proof of his not loving her she needed, if he had cheated on her, and she looked shocked that I should map cheating with absence of affection for the cheated party.
People, this is where I confess that I do not understand women. I was beginning to think that after being born of a woman, who had three [female] daughters, and marrying a woman, and having innumerable female colleagues, friends and acquaintances, I had gathered ample ground into understanding females, till this lady just burst my delicate bubble.
Let us examine this case properly. While I am no love expert, I know that love entails respect, affection, caring (so that you take charge over the loved one’s wellbeing, feelings, etc), appreciation (of their looks, character, value, etc) and protection (of the loved one from anything which threatens them).
Cheating on a person, on the other hand, reflects a feeling of dissatisfaction with a person â€“ their looks, character, value, and so on. Because sleeping with a person is a physical manifestation of inner feelings and thoughts; a giving of self totally, to one you cherish and appreciate, there is no way you can convince me that while he cheated on you, he still dotes on you.
And no, I am not advocating that now that he has cheated on you, go ahead and stomp out of the relationship/marriage, his house, his life. No. I am saying that if he has always told you that he loves you, but he has gone ahead and given himself to another woman, something is definitely wrong. If he says he loves you, but he can go and convince another woman that he loves her, definitely he is lying either to one of you or, most probably, both of you. And something needs to be sorted out.
While this sounds like an affront to women whose men cheat on them, I only addressed it to them because I was totally stunned at my friend’s innocent belief that a man can cheat on her and still claim to love her. But guys, honestlyâ€¦ Isn’t this what gives men a bad name; this impression that a man is so into sex, that he can go shopping for it anywhere, and still go about thumping his masculine chest, saying he loves both the offended woman, and the one he offended her with?
Yes, the title Superman exists, but the Hollywood guys who popularised it had a helpful, superhuman fellow in mind, not one who went on rampage breaking poor women’s hearts. Duh!